Most of our nights in Africa are spent somewhere under the stars, thinking, talking, praying. Sometimes we talk about love. Sometimes we are silent. Sometimes we reminisce about the past. Sometimes we dream about the future. Sometimes we just ask questions. Sometimes we try to find answers.
The other night, we were trying to decide what exactly makes us who we are. Is it our passions? Our desires? The things we do? Our likes and dislikes? Our personality?
We all sat in silence for a long time. This was a difficult question for me to answer. For a long time, I've felt unable to adequately answer the question, "Who am I?" I've always thought I would figure it out someday. I thought coming to Africa would help me discover myself. I thought if I had more experience, more time, more change... maybe then I would finally become the person God made me to be. And then it hit me. What am I trying so hard to become? God already made me. What if I am doing this all backwards? What if I am searching for something I already have? What if instead of moving forward I should be moving backward?
Right before I left for Africa, my family and I spent a night watching home videos of me as a little girl. I remember watching my 3 year old self and feeling very disconnected from whoever she was. I had the feeling that she was someone I had known a long, long time ago and then forgotten about. That girl was not confused about who she was. In fact, the question never even crossed her mind. She was not tainted by opinions, expectations, or pressures. She just simply was.
Maybe instead of trying to find ourselves, we first have to realize that we have lost ourselves. Maybe instead of trying to make something of ourselves, we have to rediscover who we were already made to be. Because I think when God made us... he made us to be someone. Maybe in removing all the layers of experiences and alterations and social awareness that have built up over the years, we get a little bit closer to finding ourselves. And maybe in removing those layers of separation, we get a little bit closer to God.
"I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:3)
Love always,
Jill
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3 comments:
Jillian
I just found out that you left the YWAM base. Mrs. K called me and at first I was really upset. Then I read your email and visited your blog and then I understood. Well I kinda understand. My heart does it's just the mom in me that well just freaks out. But trusting in God is a wonderful place to be. When you hear and obey his voice it is the most amazing and frightening experience you will ever have. I know you are walking in waters that are new and different and at times they may seem overwhelming but I also know that as you seek His will you will land in the safest place...The Palm of His Hand. Jill I can't believe where He has placed you for such a time as this. Please know I will continue to pray for you three and believe that He will guide you. But also know that as your #2 Mom I will struggle with trusting God for your safety too. Especially knowing Kristine is going to be there in just 3 short months!!! Have you heard of Mulley's Children Home in Kenya? Our church supports him and he is AMAZING!!! Charles Mulley is his name and he rescues kids from the street and adopts them. He has adopted over 850 children so far! Maybe that might be an option for you. Love to you sweetie and to your friends Will & Bethany. Our prayers will follow you!
\All my love and HIS
Mom M (Mom #2)
Love you and praying for you!
Jill,
I love reading your words. It makes me feel closer to you when I feel so very far away. Thanks for sharing your heart. I miss our talks. Thinking of you often.
MWAH!
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